Close your eyes, tight! Breathe in, deeply! Pull in as much air are you can, fill your lungs until they are ready to burst. And exhale, slowly! Repeat times ten.
Isn’t it funny how taking a minute to simply breathe can sometimes change your entire perspective. Last week I was sure that I was headed for a relapse. I was convinced my sanity was at risk and that I was headed down the usual dark path. The world was empty, dark and lonely. In truth, some parts of that haven’t changed. Nothing in my life has changed. Apart for taking five minutes, letting the world pass me by and giving myself a little space to let that darkness wash over me.
It isn’t that someone came and picked me up, told me it would all be okay and fixed me again. When does that ever happen in life, and if it does – when does that ever help us really? The reality is that we do it ourselves, that’s how we heal and that is what recovery is. It isn’t about making the problems go away, it isn’t about being happy all the time, its about being able to let it wash pass you and cope with the darkness when (not if) it comes calling.
For a long time I felt that I was recovered because I hadn’t felt my darkness hit, because I had gotten through days, weeks, months without feeling that intense pain that crippled me for years. I thought I had been fixed because I hadn’t thought about killing myself in a year, because I hadn’t looked at objects and wondered how I could break it to create a weapon against my skin, because I hadn’t tricked those around me into believing I’d eaten than day. When those things come to mind, I instantly think that’s it, relapse is looming, because isn’t that what relapse is. And screw recovery when that happens, I may as well give in.
Let me be very clear, that isn’t relapse. It is only relapse if you agree with that voice that tells you screw it and follow through on that voice. Real life is about having those things happen and taking the breathe. We will always be challenged by life. We will always have periods of heartbreak and ache when we will feel like breaking. The lie that the world has told us for too many years is that that isn’t normal, but guess what – everyone goes through that, we all have darkness in us. It’s just some people hide it better but life is about having hurt inside. Some of us feel that so much stronger than others, some of us turn it inwards while others turn it outwards – but we all feel crap sometimes.
Life isn’t about avoiding the pain, its about learning to ride it out and breathe.
This week is the first time in a long time I did just that, a felt that I was living a normal life like everyone else. So I’m a little more messed up than the rest of the world, I can deal with that, but I know I’m not alone in that, and as long as I take a deep breathe I think I can cope with that (at least I hope I can).
The point is, yes I have to admit that I’ve got darkness in me, but being ‘recovered’ (whatever that means anymore) means finding the lightness there also. Where once I would have been stuck for months in that, it only took a few days to get back to myself again. That’s progress.
Be gentle with yourself even after you are recovered because those of us who were broken are stitched together again, one little tug at the string can make you feel like you are coming apart again… just take a deep breathe and know one little pluck won’t unravel you again!
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