Have you ever heard of game theory, or the prisoner’s dilemma? It’s a theory about decision making and risk taking. In essence it gives an overview of how we can make decisions given the potential options available to us; do you take the chance to get the best outcome for you but at a high risk, or do you opt out and settle.

For ten years I took the latter; avoid emotions and experiences, avoid living life because that means being exposed to the potential risk of heartache, pain and hurt. To me life was full of the potential to get scarred by living. It was easier to block it all out, and take the option to opt out completely. The payoff of avoiding heartache was to miss the benefits of taking the risk of live. To avoid the pain you have to also miss the sunshine. To avoid heartbreak, I had to avoid love. To forget the hurt inside, I had to forget that I was living. The decision was made based on how I can stop the hurt, but I completely forgot that there were other emotions that wouldn’t hurt me. I chose a payoff that was fantastic at missing out on the hurt but I never got to experience the love and happiness that happens alongside that.

And what did that achieve?

Avoiding the hurt is only fantastic when you know the other side of the coin. If I’ve never felt love, happiness and the spectrum of emotion that come with that, have I achieved what I wanted? From where I sit today, yes I can say no one else has ever gotten to break my heart into a million pieces, but I’m left wondering if I have a heart at all…

Would time have been better spent letting my heart take the pain just to show me that there is an opposite to that? However cheesy it sounds the truth is that you have to put up with the storm and rain to get to see the rainbow afterwards. I’m starting to believe in that, to see that the risk of hurt and pain (as hard and scary as that is) is worth it if I can for even one millisecond feel my heart beating in my chest.

Living a life where every action you take is intended to help you avoid feeling and to flatline your life (which is essentially what anorexia was for me) only leads to stopping all the wonder of life happening. It breaks my heart to know that by avoiding pain I avoided life. I avoided finding out who I was. I avoided friendship. I avoided love. And what did that achieve… ironically it has caused me more pain that anything else ever could. I’ve watched my friends, family and loved ones move on in life without me. I’ve watch a boy I could have loved find someone else who let him into her life. I’ve watched jobs and opportunities slip through my fingers because I couldn’t take the chance. I’ve watched my own life through someone else’s eyes and felt frozen by my own fears.

When did emotions become such a struggle? Why did heartache incapacitate me? What can I do to stop being an observer in life and decide to take part? Does anyone else feel like this?

Lets take the risk! Open your heart! Live your life because believe me you will look back in your recovered eyes and realise that flatlining was not worth it. Live will have storms and it will rain so much you will think you are going to drown, but from experience sometimes the most fun in life is dancing in the puddles afterwards. Live isn’t going to wait anymore, lets give it a chance, because even if it hurts I want to know what both sides of heartache feel life. I’m done avoiding!

What is the purpose of my heart if I don’t use it? Maybe its time to stitch myself back together and learn to use it again!