This week has been difficult to get through; its been long and challenging for so many reasons. Some weeks will be like this. Some days are harder than others and this week I’ve learned that it can be difficult to keep looking after yourself. It can be a fine line between happiness and relapse.

Don’t worry, I haven’t reached that darkness yet but this week was a careful reminder that its something you need to be mindful of. Triggers can be all around and sometimes you are just going to feel challenged by everything that life throws at you. That was my experience this week – not that there was anything particularly difficult happening, but the build up can means breaking point comes when you least expect it.

I’ve cried, I’ve hidden myself away, I’ve avoided parts of my life and I’ve been unable to sleep a lot this week. The difference between this and relapses I’ve previously had is that this time I didn’t act on the thoughts. The autopilot of self-destruction didn’t switch on this time. Maybe that’s the difference between struggling in life and going into your self-destruct again. I’m not sure that these periods of darkness will ever fully leave me, because lets face it life is always going to throw difficulties and unexpected curveball’s, but its about how we deal with that that really matters.

Something unexpected happened this week. I opened up to people in my life about my experiences. I’ve previously told this blog that I don’t talk about my anorexia, self-harm, depression and everything that comes with that. But this week, for some reason, I let it out. I told two different people that I had struggled and been ill. So I didn’t bear my soul or expose the gorey details; but this is progress right? The truth is I wanted them to know part of me that only a selected few will ever see, not because I want their support or sympathy, but because I wanted to connect with them. I’ll be completely honest, for both these people it was a risky decision – I instantly want to take back one of those conversations because I’m worried it will ruin that friendship but maybe, just maybe it will pay off. I do not know right now, I’m waiting to see which way it goes but gut instinct made the words tumble out, made me reveal that part of myself and I have to trust that feeling. Good or bad, I’ve got to be ready for whatever happens.

And that scares me so much.

These last few months I’ve taken the risks and I’ve taken life’s knocks as a result; this week I lost my way because the payoff means getting hurt. But it reminded me that however broken we all feel, where-ever you are in your illness/recovery/journey, even the most broken of us an be sewn back together. The makes and tears can still be seen but we are can still be made whole again. And its that that I need to keep in mind on days like today…